Weird things have been happening, more in my own head than anywhere else. Even though I had let my principal and team members know of my decision to resign a couple of weeks ago, actually making it public last Wednesday really threw me for a loop. I was basically saying, “What the hell have I done?” I still had the sense of rightness about the decision, but there was a whole round of taking thoughts captive that I knew I had to steel myself for. And the thing that really gave me the most vicious uppercut was the thought of what my parents would say. I kept waiting for them to call me up in a panic but I guess Mom hasn’t seen my Facebook post or continued reading my blog because I haven’t heard anything. And it was making me insane. I had felt a moment’s relief when I realized I could tell them I wasn’t expecting anything from them. I wasn’t expecting them to pay my mortgage indefinitely, or “help me out.” My God can take care of his own. But that moment ended when I remembered they had given me the 20% down payment on my house, and what could I say that would answer their accusation that I was just throwing away tens of thousands of dollars? On came the weight again. I couldn’t really feel the glory of the freedom I now had because I just kept seeing the calendar lose pages and saw my last paycheck inching closer. I really did keep giving it up to God, but at this point, it just wasn’t clicking like it had been, and I seriously wondered, am I maxed out? Have I taken on so much faith and so many remodeling projects in my life at one time that I don’t have anything left and I literally don’t have any more strength? I kept thinking I just needed to “change my strength” like C.I. Scofield says in his sermon, but it wasn’t happening. And I was just tired. Like, in my brain. I couldn’t seem to hold onto any clear images of the outcome I’ve been believing for. So not only was I thinking, “What do I do?” about the job situation, but “What do I do?” about the faith situation. Honestly, I just wanted to stay asleep and not wake up. I wasn’t depressed and I wasn’t rethinking my decision. Every time I went through the thought process, I was always sure I had felt God’s Spirit guide me. It was just that waking up just meant taking on the work load again. I knew that wasn’t how it’s supposed to be. If you’re truly trusting God, he gladly takes that weight. But it seemed like work to figure out how to do that.
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Not real fun.
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And then it kept getting worse. When I made this decision to quit my job, I truly knew in my spirit that it was the right thing to do and the right time to do it. And at the time, I truly believed Central Corp. would work out. I’d gone through the whole interview process, I’d presented the possibility of getting a job there early before the training program, and I’d gotten such a positive vibe. I was just waiting until after Labor Day when the final decision is made. Then the head of HR called me last Friday. Turns out my resume had a typo on it: the wrong college info because I had used another woman’s resume for formatting purposes and had forgotten to change that info as I was overwriting with all of my information. Small thing, but apparently the president himself tagged it as he looked through all the resumes and he’s a stickler for detail. The HR lady and the head of the training program evidently felt foolish for having overlooked it. She was a little hesitant, to say the least. I sent her my corrected resume right away and in my email said that anyone who knows me can tell you I pay a great attention to detail. And I was just pissed. I was pissed at myself for making such a stupid oversight, but I was also royally pissed at the prospect that two years of diligent effort and enormous personal and professional growth would be jeopardized by something so ridiculous. And I snapped to my mother, who was there when I got the phone call, that if they rejected me for that stupidity, then obviously they weren’t the best thing for me and God has something better. And I’ll be honest here: I have to admit since I made the decision to resign, I’ve wondered if Central Corp. really is the best thing for me. What? How can I say that? I just keep getting an inkling – don’t know why – that perhaps they were just the catalyst for getting me to jump off the cliff but really, they aren’t where I can truly break free and be all I was meant to be. I do feel the need when I talk about that job prospect with people to qualify the choice: to explain how unique the company itself is even though it is banking. And I believe that. I believe that this particular company is unique and very special and I would be able to help people there. I would be so much happier there. But this latest thing has kind of put a bad taste in my mouth. I am a hard worker and very good at what I do, but everyone makes mistakes, and I get the impression with this company that even though there is a true sense of family, there’s probably not much grace given. I have already been bludgeoned for years in a profession where your slightest mistake is grounds for micromanagement and censure from students, parents, colleagues, and bosses. Goodness, I don’t need to feel like a failure or a disappointment anymore! I’m depleted!
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And, too, this time, this total risk, has seemed more and more to be the time to jump feet-first into my dream. The thing is I can’t really say for certain what that would be. Having only been in teaching, I am woefully underqualified to direct my own life. I’m so glad God is there to know where I would best fit because it is one of the hardest things I’ve had to figure out (and I still haven’t figured it out) to understand how all my many qualifications in teaching translate into a job I truly want. I don’t know what job would truly make me happy. So I’m not really worried about Central Corp. working out or not working out. I’m confident that God is in control of that. But it does stress me out to figure out what to tell people. Most people are under the impression I’ve got a job at Central Corp. because I’m speaking out of faith, and in the beginning that faith was stronger. But where is the line between lying and speaking in faith? It doesn’t sit well with me, especially since I’m wondering if Central Corp. is in my future.
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And things still kept getting worse. I love my dog, honest I do. But this housebreaking thing has put me squarely at my wits’ end. Nothing has worked. To the point that I had to keep doggie diapers on her at all times. And then I’d take her for walks and young thing that she is, she’d be wanting to dart everywhere. She’s not the worst leash walker I’ve ever seen, that’s for certain. But even what she would do would just make me snap. I’d haul her back on the leash, practically strangling her and feeling horrible about it. I just had no patience. I’ve lost count of the times when I’ve felt a plume of anger spray out of me and said out loud on my walk, “I cannot have children.” To the point of saying, “I don’t think I can ever have children. I just can’t!” More thoughts I had to take captive.
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I realized I felt like a failure as a teacher, now a failure as a dog owner, and I already feel like a failure as a mother. What kind of mother would I make when the slightest aggravation makes me snap? I already realized that this was an area of healing for sure. No doubt about that. And that healing couldn’t start if I kept claiming that identity as a failure. But boy, did I feel like a total failure and feel like I would always feel that way. Lots of taking thoughts captive there, and quite frankly, God, I’m tired. Two nights ago, on my walk, I stopped in the meadow, the moon full above me, no one around, and I just yelled out, “I. Don’t. Want. To feel. Like a failure. Anymore!”
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I’d already been thinking that the most effective thing to do during this stressful time was to praise God. Praise him for who he is, for what he’s done for me, for what he is doing now for me. For the future he has planned for me and the ever-present help he offers me. For the freedom that is mine now. But when I would praise him in my prayer closet, as awful as it sounds, I just couldn’t think of a lot. I was just so damn tired! Then it occurred to me to pull out my praise and worship CDs which had been collecting dust.
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Now, I’m pretty picky with my praise and worship. So often it just sounds corny or overwrought. But I found some I remembered liking and put them on and just listened to them as I got ready for bed. Next day, after volunteering at the Georgian Manor, I went ahead and drove around like I like to do listening to music. Well, three hours later, I honestly felt better. Clearer. More hopeful. Less burdened. Thank the good Lord above, it was about time! And who knows why during that long drive, I got the idea to write a Bible study on surrender. Huh? But really, if I had to choose between Central Corp. and a job where I talked about what God's done in my life and mentored and helped other young women, dude - no contest.
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Well, [another] weird thing happened. Last night I had the urge to go for a run alone – hadn’t been going much to tell the truth, because I feel bad leaving Felene behind and sometimes I don’t want to deal with her – and who should I run into but Kim Fuller, who lived next door to me back when I lived in this neighborhood with my parents in my teens. I had run into him walking his dog two years ago right after I moved in and fecal matter hadn’t collided with the fan, and in two years I hadn’t run into him at all, even though we both go for walks frequently and at the same time of day. But I did last night. Weird. And almost right away we started talking about jobs and God. How did this happen? I don’t know. I had been feeling like I just wish I wasn’t still alone in this journey. Even though there’s no better teacher than God himself when it’s just you and him, it can still get lonely when you start thinking about all the people who aren’t behind you. And I thought if I could just have another human being hear my story and tell me they thought I was doing the right thing, it might make all the difference. Nothing like support right there beside you. Nothing like it. By the end of the walk with Kim, it had become evident that this was a divine appointment for the both of us. And he said something I don’t think I’ll ever forget. He was reflecting on a preacher whose testimony centered around being embroiled in a couple of lawsuits and God made it all work out, and he said compared with that, my testimony would really be something. To do something so risky, and in this life, he said, you can’t avoid risks, would really show what God can and will do. He said in his life, looking back, he can pinpoint certain times in his life that make him say now, “I wonder what would have happened if I’d just . . .” As he has been feeling frustrated in his work now, finding himself without the security he had expected to find after 29 years, I couldn’t help feeling that maybe he might be a little inspired by this decision of mine. Because it is risky. I am single, it is just me. No one else will pay my mortgage, no one else will pay my car payment, no one else will buy my groceries. I’m it. So to do what I’ve done is beyond risky. It’s just foolish. But as John Eldredge says, “In the past year or so I’ve made a number of decisions that make no sense unless there is a God and I am his friend.” Amen, brother. Amen.
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I cannot adequately express just how wonderful it was to hear Kim share his perspective. Oh God, there is nothing like not feeling alone. And as I continued to praise him, it became exponentially easier to take thoughts captive, to catch myself thinking negative thoughts and turning them around. It became easier not to have the negative thoughts in the first place. I no longer felt stretched thin, no longer felt resigned to waking up and going into a whole day of thoughts. And I began to see the truth: that this really is just God and me, and that’s enough. I realized for real, more than just my declarations and my tired eyes, that my spirit hadn’t objected to this decision about my job at all, even through this roller coaster, and that my God is mighty to save. He does delight in impossible situations. My situation should not work out. It should be impossible to find a job in this economy where headlines blare thousands of jobs lost. It should be impossible that my needs should be met when I have no – read it, no – income. But as I told Kim, it is only in the impossible situations that there can be no mistake that salvation came not by human effort but by God himself. And I find I dread less the confrontation with my parents. I can leave the anxiety and anger with them and reply calmly and joyfully that they better get ready because they’re going to see a light show soon to rival 4th of July.
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I am (impossibly) full of expectation for this amazing life I want to live, where every day has something to delight me and sink my teeth into. I am confessing here and now that I believe in all 7,000+ promises of God in his Word. They are true. And they will be true for me.
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Weird, huh?
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