Hmm. Hmm.
.
I went over to Kelsey’s today to plan for her second year of teaching and her first in second grade. I truly believe, just as Delayna made being in a sorority worth it more than a decade after joining, so has Kelsey been the sole reason I was called back to teaching one more year. Those two have been my most fulfilling experiences in their respective settings: sorority and teaching, because of the mentoring they have allowed me to do for them. And I know one of the reasons Kelsey has been moved to second grade is so that some good can come out of all those years of whole-hearted effort, so all the intense attention to detail and planning I put into my work does not go to waste. As I was getting out of my car at her insanely charming house, I thought how my coming over to plan is as much a blessing to me as to her.
.
After we planned for several hours, we grilled up dinner and started to talk about things other than teaching. Maybe I had a premonition or maybe this is just the Secret at work, but I so clearly imagined talking to her about B____. And so I did. How lovely she was to talk to. She’s so much older than her years. She had very wise insights and really listened in a way I still struggle to achieve. I ended up telling her everything, from beginning to end as, really, I had never done. Even those who know everything were there when everything happened, so Kelsey is the first person I’ve talked to about it from beginning to end.
.
Which brings me to my hmm.
.
Ever since I had first shared my journey with Mom and Dad back at the end of June, I had seriously considered the question of what to do, actually do, about B____. I’ve thought, since mid-spring when I began to accept that there was never going to be anyone but B____, about the question of: “If I truly believe B____ is it for me, then why don’t I contact him?”
.
Two reasons.
.
One, the main one, has always been my concern for him. Ever since I first felt him pull away that June, I’ve basically been the one pursuing him. Even though he was the one to send that first text in July, I was the one putting myself out there, saying I wanted to try again, and when I left it at the end of August because he wasn’t giving himself at all and found through September and October that I still loved him, I was the one to email him and come to him on his terms as a friend, until he left for good with another woman’s name in his mouth. So for most of our relationship except at the glorious beginning, I was pursuing him, and feeling on some level that he was humoring me – that he genuinely liked having me around but also hated to reject me. So I’ve thought all this time that if I yet again made the first move, he would never realize what it means to reach that astounding, devastating place where you want something so bad you’re willing to risk anything. I felt that that is when God’s journey would be at the end of this path: when he could take the risk into the unknown. I’ve had no doubt that this whole time has needed to be a God-and-B____ thing, with no direct interference or distraction from me.
.
In talking with Kelsey, though, I came to realize that his nature is not like that. He would never compromise what he would believe is my healthy, moved-on life for his own sake. God can change him for years and B____’s still not going to be comfortable or even aware of how to put his needs first. That’s something he needs a doted-on only child to show him, I think. Kelsey felt that that letter I sent him was airtight: that it shut all windows and doors to B____ and if anything were to happen, he’d need a little “in.” Maybe a big “in.”
.
The second reason, far more hidden and insidious, has been the fear of what I’ll find if I reach out to him again. I can shout to the heavens all I want that I believe and declare that he was meant for me, and there’s still going to be a quiver or two at the thought of coming down out of the clouds and actually taking a step of faith on the hard ground of reality. My deepest fear was of finding out he was still with the other woman, or engaged, or worse. Such a horrifying thought kept slipping free from the tethers of pure faith. I could literally feel my heart melt away within me.
.
So how interesting that on a whim I was cleaning out my email inbox a few days ago and came across B____’s first Match.com email to my personal email account. I had encountered it by accident a couple of times previously and skimmed right by it with a hard flutter in my belly, but this time, on another whim, I clicked on his profile link, just curious as to what I would find if anything. There was no picture – like he’d taken his profile off, but it said he hadn’t been active within three weeks.
.
Within three weeks. Really.
.
Hmm. Hmm.
.
Now, I don’t know why he stopped with Match this time. Was it because he was just sick of it? I can imagine that of him. Was it because he found someone else? Could it be that I’ve ruined him for anyone else?
.
At any rate, it doesn’t seem like my second reason for not initiating contact is viable anymore. And when I saw that a few days ago, I still didn’t think of contacting him. Not until Kelsey gave me her opinion and then helped me write a more direct yet concise note than I would have conceived, did I actually, truly consider that talking with her might be that sign I’ve been asking God for that would show me what to do regarding this decision. Everything Kelsey said seemed grounded in my spirit. I didn’t ever get that sense that she doesn’t quite know what she’s dealing with which would have given me serious reservations about any advice she might have given me.
.
So now that note is burning a hole in my hard drive like my resignation letter did once upon a time, and I ponder this in my heart.
.
What should I do?
No comments:
Post a Comment