And Away We Go - 8-17-10

Throughout this entire journey, my feelings have been all over the place. I mean, literally visiting every possible location on the vast plane of the human heart that feelings can touch. Not just up and down, but sideways and diagonally and inside-out.

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Well, this month marked what has to be the final frontier of my feelings. I’ve gone through times where my feelings for B____ have become frozen, numb, and even just perfectly still. But ever since July slid into August, my feelings have been such that I honestly wondered if it’s too late. After all this, if it’s over, just like that. I didn’t even seem to have feelings that had frosted over. Because they didn’t even feel present.

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Of course, the logic was impossible. You don’t fight for as long as I have for the prize to merely dissolve so late in the battle, just when you’re getting close. God doesn’t work like that. Not when I’ve submitted all my feelings for B____ to him since the beginning, only to have him handed back again and again. If B____ was truly gone, never meant to last for me, God would have gently guided me in another direction if I had truly submitted my heart to him as I had.

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But even though the conviction was there, it simply felt like too much time had passed, like we would look like strangers on the inside to each other instead of old friends. And I had begun to wonder (the irony doesn’t escape me) if I had been alone too long and couldn’t respond, even to him.

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And I will assert this: I will not go through a rerun of previous episodes. I will not have gone through all of this only to end up hoping hopelessly and faced with a wall. Ain’t gonna happen. I have been through too much, dammit, for that to be the ending of this epic story. Oh, hell to the no!

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But nevertheless, while not really worrying and fretting about it, I couldn’t see how it would flow again. Maybe I couldn’t visualize B____ as discernibly changed. And if he’s not changed at all, then there could be no other plot, however I’ve changed.

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So when I was having the top of my head blown off by Kelsey and Jess, a part of me still wondered if it had been too long and if I was even capable of responding, of feeling anything. Of “working right.”

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Well, then, my imagination tripped along the path of fantasy and “what if”s and, oh Lord, wow. It actually surprised me at one point that I hadn’t sent the note yet to the response of “YES!” Like, he wasn’t actually here? That was just a run of my imagination? Oh. Whoa. Okay. I couldn’t even get to sleep till 2:30 last night because I was under the onslaught of dead, old feelings flaring to life.

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Oh, Merciful Lord, I’m flying high. I’m gone. You’ll have to take care of me because I’m already at the precipice. Forget just walking around the mountain to get a feel for it; I can feel the rocks splitting under my feet as I curl my toes over the crumbling edge of the cliff.

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Goodness, what a risk love is. And what a risk it keeps being. It won’t ever stop being risky, but what choice do I have? “My lover is mine and I am his” (Song of Songs 2:16). Oh, goodness, here I go.