Thinking on Ps. 27: 13, and how it says, “I would have lost heart had I not believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” It does not say, “had I not seen the goodness of the Lord...”
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Significant, that. It focuses on the belief as the reason for taking heart again.
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And Ephesians 6:13 about spiritual armor. It says, “...so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” Seems redundant, but it’s not. It says you first “take your stand” – everything is clear, the prize is vivid in your mind, your muscles are fresh and ready for the fight. Then, “to stand,” when you’ve done everything you can do and your sword is dangling from your numb fingers. To stand.
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Utter exhaustion. Weeping in the dark, terribly alone in the struggle, wishing so desperately God would light the beacon: It is done. I’m so desperate for this to be over. And it’s not even the big things I’ve been belieing for that are cutting me down – it’s the little things that pluck quietly at you that finally break you. But I see that and I mustn’t break. I won’t. I can’t.
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Delayna posted on Facebook this quote:
Between you and every goal you wish to achieve, there is a series of obstacles, and the bigger the goal, the bigger the obstacles. Your decision to be, have, and do something out of the ordinary entails facing difficulties and challenges that are out of the ordinary as well. Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else.
Ain’t that the truth. And I want God’s timing. I just can’t think right now of how much longer it might be. Because when you get right down to it, I’m overhauling my whole life. Every area. Big things and little things. And I can’t take a day off when I get too tired and need a break; I’ve tried that. If I’m not focusing on and visualizing my future, all I have to occupy the 60,000 thoughts I fill a day with is my present, and that’s a guaranteed slump of depression. My future is my only hope, my only pleasure. Not focusing on that is not an option. And this is going to take a while. I don’t do things by halves, do I?
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I’ve felt all summer that I’m on the cusp of finally seeing all my seeds beginning to sprout. Maybe that’s why things have been so hard lately – a last-ditch effort to break me.
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I’m so tired. I just want it to be over. All of it. Even the good things. For goodness sake, I’m sick of some of these goals – they’re thirty years old! Let’s have some new struggles, or oh, let’s not have any at all for just a little while. Let’s have a day or two or three where I get to just bask. I don’t know what it’s like to wake up and find it all easy. And even though life is not stagnant and you can’t float along in complete ease and harmony indefinitely, I need a little floating. I need a little ease. I need not to be alone.
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I did ask God to talk to me, to help me. And even though what I really want to hear, oh, Lord, how lovely, is, “It’s all over now,” I am sensible of his validation. Here is the order of my random flippings through my Bible:
“He has alienated my brothers from me; my acquaintances are completely estranged from me. My kinsmen have gone away, my friends have forgotten me.”
- Job 19:13-14
“What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God’s faithfulness? Not at all!”
- Romans 3:3-4
“...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
- 2 Corinthians 10:5
“You are only looking at the surface of things.”
- 2 Corinthians 10:7
“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”
- James 1:12
That’s God. That’s his message. Is it over yet? Doesn’t look like it. But I am not alone, and I have hope, though I can’t feel it now. Because I’m not standing my ground. I’m just standing.
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