I Want a Child - 11-5-08

I want a child. I saw one today and to my complete astonishment, started crying. My eyes blurred instantly with tears and my skin flushed with their heat. It wasn’t out of despair as it would have been, and had been so many times, long ago. I did not think it was out of my reach. My longing wasn’t mingled with regret or hopelessness. It was just desire, so strong it took my breath away. I want a son. I want my son. My child. My chest near collapses with the vacuum left in the wake of my crushed breath. My bones creak and stretch with their aborted opening. My belly waits in its muffled silence to be filled with movement and sound. My legs tremble against the instinctive spread. This is my purpose. My destiny. I was meant for this. I am made to bear, and bear again. My skin flushes with need, with perfect purpose. My hands spread of their own accord over nothing, as if to cup tenderly. My children are inside of me, waiting, waiting. They drift in the void of what is not yet seen. They wait for me. They are inside me, and I feel them. I feel the absence of sound they make, the utter stillness of the movements not yet created.

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My time is near. It will be my turn soon. Soon, I croon as in a lullaby. Soon, my loves, soon, my children. Soon all I have worked for and created with my life will be revealed in your tiny warmth, your wrinkled softness. Soon, all I am will finally become crystal-clear in the murky color of your newly-open eyes. Soon, soon, you will be here, and my arms will wait no more. The endless delay will find its end and I will hold you.

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My child, my baby, my soul. Soon, I will bring you forth, and continue my parents’ legacy. Soon, I will meet you and finally know the face I have dreamed of all my life. I will see myself in your eyes, your father in your face. I will bear down in utter pain and feel nothing but utter joy. No fear will be mine – only a fierceness in bringing the unseen into the seen. No woman welcomes labor as I do, no woman is as strong as I am – stronger than taunted bulls, stronger than an ocean current, stronger than a spewing mountain, a leaping wildcat, the deepest grief. I am all strength as I bring you forth. I am strong enough for all my children. I give you strength not pain, joy not terror. I breathe and grunt and cry out and only see you. I want you. I want you. I want you.