I came to a climactic realization tonight as I was pulling out of Mom and Dad’s driveway to go home. With all the little and big revelations I have come to since my first date with It’s Just Lunch was scheduled, all the realizations of what has stymied me in the past and the courage and ferocity I’ve unleashed on the universe for what I truly want – this one seemed ultimate. As if this is what all the others were leading up to.
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It started with the realization that what all this thinking has been leading to is simply that I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want no more fear, not a whisper of it, at any stage in dating. Fear is what I’ve been lugging around for so many years, and I don’t want it anymore.
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Now, while I thought that was the culminating understanding, the key to unlock my future, it turned out to be the key to unlocking the true end to which all this was gravitating – I’ve been dancing around this for days, and really for years, even the last few days only thinking it in haphazard, subconscious fashion, and only tonight have pulled it out of the ebbing and flowing seascape of my mind: I don’t want to go on one more date with anyone other than my perfect mate. I want my next date to be with the One. I want this date with It’s Just Lunch to be that much-anticipated beginning to my life.
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And I realized as I metaphorically stomped my foot and shouted, “I’ve had enough!” that all my life, I’ve carried such an anticipation of THAT MOMENT that I’ve then somehow gone into every date thinking, “This couldn’t possibly be the date.” As if that particular date was too portentous, too significant, too life-changing, how could it ever come? When would my life, or me, or the world, or him, ever by good enough or aligned enough or coordinated enough to be ready for that great moment? Which means I’ve gone into every date expected that it’s not here yet and that he’s not here yet and that the guy sitting across from me will not be for me. And guess what – I found exactly that to be my experience.
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And so ever since my date was arranged on Wednesday, I’ve been struggling with all the old bad feelings, despite having access to a window into hope and the life I want that I had never had before. And I came simply to God tonight saying I have done every thing I am supposed to do. I’ve done the best I can but he needs to help me. He needs to help me. That simple. And I expect that help to come, which usually in my life I haven’t done.
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And I realized that all those bad feelings I’d been struggling against, the same bad feelings that have sabotaged me again and again, have come out of my reluctance to declare boldly that I am no longer willing to waste any more of my time or wait any longer for my perfect mate. I had just never been capable of just throwing that out there. To say fiercely that I want him and ONLY him. I don’t want a bunch of other Mr. Wrongs in between us. If I could put that word “only,” cosmically, in huge Hollywood-sign letters, with blinking colored Christmas lights and spotlights glowing up from below, I would. I’ve said all along I want him, and I’ve always felt I want only him, but there was never any force behind it. until now. All that I am, whatever strength I have as a cosmic frequency tower, all of everything within me, I throw behind those words. I want only him. I want him and I want him now. I claim him. I will not allow him to be anyone else’s any longer – not for another day, week, month, or year.
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There is a reason it’s taken nine months of using the Secret to draw him finally to me. I wasn’t ready for this yet. I could never have dreamed that I would so boldly and constantly call him into the seen world, into my present. I needed the last 9 months and all my successes so far, to embolden my desire with power and conviction. And here I stand, for the first time in my life, expecting what I want. I will not waste any more time going on dates with other men.
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And you know what is injecting this conviction with passion? Logic. It simply doesn’t make sense that everything is happening now so fast, every day bringing another huge step to my future, only to cool my heels with guy after guy, date after date.
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I go on that trip to Glendorn and begin writing down my vision for my future, my pen all but shivering with the power of my determination. Then It’s Just Lunch calls, out of the blue, then I have that fateful hair appointment with Stephanie where answers are reached and decisions are made. Then the next day I finally unlock my true gratitude for my life and my job, and the day after that I get the news I didn’t get the job, and later that night, answers come thick and fast with Dad sharing his thoughts that put everything that’s been happening into perfect perspective (I mean, who gets answers to a crushing disappointment so fast?), and the next day I call It’s Just Lunch, and the next day, they call with my first match, and the day after that, they arrange the date, and every day since then, as I’ve concentrated to overpower the bad feelings, I’ve written journal entry after journal entry with one new revelation after the other, piling on top of each other, all leading to this one. It doesn’t make sense that all of that happening, nine months of steady growth and development coming suddenly to birth, new things happening so fast, only to find what I’ve always found before – the same cycle of bad feelings, dull dates, and discouragement and awkwardness after. No, all of this has been happening for a reason; they reason I have held to consciously for weeks now, 3 weeks exactly: he is coming. I have claimed him and he is mine. He is mine now. There is no even remotely possible reason to have done everything the Secret asked of me, and come to understand and trust God better, and have attracted all these paving stones for the end of his journey to me, only to delay it. And if the Secret is right – and I have no reason to believe it isn’t and every reason to believe it is – then the deciding factor is me. The law of attraction is obedient to my thoughts and feelings. God will give me the desires of my heart. Any possible delay or deviation from the plan wouldn’t come from those quarters. It lies with me.
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I realize that I’ve always believed timing was out of my hands. Couldn’t do anything about when. That was God’s domain. If the One kept not coming, it was just because it wasn’t the right time. I had nothing to do with it. But if it is true that how soon I get my desire relies wholly on how closely I have aligned myself with the universe – or God’s plan – then that notion of powerlessness is blown out of the water. If it does all rest with me, then what we need is the perfect cheer, because I have finally done that. I have done and felt all I need to feel to be ready to accept him. There is now nothing more than needs to be done before I meet him. And that’s a heady thought. It is a completely new experience to truly believe that the time is now. My time is now. That I don’t have to waffle around with filler guys, men who make me feel nothing, because it’s finally time now to meet him. I want ONLY him, and I want him NOW.
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