Sometimes I do remember. I remember the silly little dance B____ used to do when he’s happy and contented, I remember the exact timbre of his voice, I remember his big body rearing up over mine. And I can calmly feel the pain ratchet up like a chain over a pulley. My breath catches and my lungs tap out Morse code. Yes, it hurts. Yes, there is pain curling my body automatically inwards.
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But more immediate and clear than the agony is the vision I have of B____, freed. Really breathing for possibly the first time. Standing tall, walking free, the thin vein of control that runs beneath his easy, loping grace that says he has to catch himself and everybody else – released. I see him opening his eyes in the morning and filling his lungs with anticipation, true confidence. I see the sound mind that stifles the whispered lies of the enemy. I see him striding into the unknown with trust in this great God who loves him so. I see my beloved free and loosed on the world.
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Screw the pain.
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