A couple of words I’ve received lately have been urging me to “share the burden” with someone. At first I was completely confounded: with whom would I share this utterly bizarre, foolish path I’ve been trekking alone? Who would possibly not only accept it but embrace it with me?
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As I thought and prayed about it, my parents kept coming to mind. But how can that be when they’re already questioning my mental health? Jeez, they’d commit me straight-out if they knew the full truth.
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And that’s what has kept nudging me: they don’t know the entirety of the situation. They’re like the blind mice from the story who are feeling different parts of an elephant and claiming it’s a rope, it’s a tree trunk, it’s a snake, never getting close to the truth because they’re blind.
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It wasn’t until I suddenly was faced with the possibility that this separation experience, which very recently has begun to wear, might be nearing its end that I was able to even conceive of another scenario. It could be that my parents, who’ve supported me in every other venture before even when they’ve had their misgivings or reservations, would just feel relief that they finally know the nature of the beast they’ve been struggling with.
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And what if they don’t in fact think I’m crazy or dangerously foolish or mentally unbalanced when they read my entire blog of these journal entries? What if, once they’ve gotten over the shock, they prove once again to be the essentially practical people I’ve always known and get down to the business of dealing with what is actually on the table, whether they expected it or not? Maybe it’s time they see that the beast they’ve been mistakenly identifying is actually the elephant in the room.
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I’m praying over this. That really goes without saying. My concern is to protect them from as much worry and anxiety as I can. I’ve been trying to do that since December. But how effective have I been when they know no rest or peace about my situation, however much I reassure them that everything will work out and I’ll be fine?
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I have thought of all these journal entries to be not so much my story but God’s. This is what will show everyone when this journey is finally at an end and all my longings and efforts resolved that it was the Lord who did all this. That all of this was impossibility squared and he made it work out perfectly and beautifully. I’ve thought how much of an encouragement my story would be for so many people struggling for faith in this faithless world. But maybe for my parents, that would best be accomplished if they didn’t learn of this journey at the end but rather now, at this particular point, so they can help me along. It was from my meeting with B____ and all the wrestling that followed that my parents’ faith actually began to be revived. My father prayed over me in December, taking authority over his family in the mess of my hemorrhaging heart. My mother offered godly perspectives and advice even though she struggled so much with God. So it could indeed be not only for my relief but for their great good that I bring them into the light of full disclosure. I need a little more confirmation from the Holy Spirit before I commit to this; there’s no going back if I do. There’s no “unknowing” if the worst reaction happens. But it is actually possible that they would take into consideration the nature of this woman they’ve known for three decades and remember that she is not foolish or heedless. She thinks and considers and gives heed to wisdom. And if she says there is no one else, maybe, just maybe, she’s right. And maybe, just maybe, it is her stubbornness that writes a happy ending.
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And who knows? Maybe if all three of us were united in this purpose that has no remedy, no cure, it’ll bring all this to its crescendo all the more quickly. After all, when two or more are gathered in his name, there the Lord is. And when my father prayed over me with my mother that horrible December night, my broken heart was bound far faster than it otherwise would have. I shudder to think how I would have scraped through my days and awful nights for however long if he hadn’t brought me under God’s hand and if I hadn’t remained obedient.
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But I am deeply concerned for them, for their peace of mind. And my question is which option will build their faith, show them God more clearly, and bring them peace of mind: keeping them in the dark or bringing them into the full truth? I’m not so concerned for me. I don’t worry for my resolve. I have brought my desires and my boundless love into obedience to God for too long for it not to be sanctified. And I now know that that question, “If B____ is really what you want, are you willing to wait as long as it takes?” was indeed from God. He didn’t really give confirmation beyond the follow-up question, “Will God not move you away from this purpose if it is not from him? Has he not shown himself worthy of that trust?” The real confirmation came with time. It came as I realized that just as there was no one else for thirty years, there will never be anyone else. I was designed for one man alone. I was a freak for so long I got used to standing alone and it was a good thing – I had the resolve to wait for him as long as it takes. I don’t know if it’s how I was raised or how I was made, but I have never been able to settle for less than the best. I wait for the best, whether it comes or not. I know I was created this way as truly, as solidly, as I know God exists. This is how I was made. So no argument will stand against that. You can say it is foolish and incorrect, that B____ will never come back, that I am setting myself up for a lifetime of barren loneliness, that I am just afraid of moving on, that I’m crazy, you name it, I’ve either heard it or thought it. And I have no rebuttal. I am the worst lawyer in this case. I simply smile, shrug, and say, “That’s how I’m made.” And I have thirty years and a lot of dates behind me to back it up. There will never be anyone else. And if it’s just a matter of waiting, so be it.
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And I have definitely faced the argument that every day that passes is one less day my eggs are viable. The science backs it up. The testimonies of those older women are all heartbreakingly true. But that’s 2 Corinthians 10:5 right there: I am in obedience to God in this. I have received confirmation after confirmation that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be in my life. So I refuse those “lofty thinking and arguments and pretensions and theories” and take every thought captive. I take them. God’s not the one who’s supposed to do that.
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And hey, let’s face it, my God can do anything he wants. He made a virgin conceive – uh, what? That’s not physically possible. And he made an old, barren womb fertile. I have been obedient. And as surely as I know I was born for B____ M____, I know I was made to have children. Every day of my life has been building a legacy for them. They are the reason for all this.
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So we’ll see what happens. We’ll see if my parents can be trusted with this unheard-of truth and if they can support me. And we’ll see what miracles God can work in their long-wearied faith. After all, my parents are “my people,” too, along with the M____ clan and Jessica and Bryan. And they are marked for freedom and fullness.
“The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
-- 2 Corinthians 10:4-5
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.”
-- Philippians 1:9
“Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his great purpose.”
-- Philippians 2:12-13
“For this reason, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and my please him in every way, bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you might have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.”
-- Colossians 1:9-12
What if . . . just what if . . . I’m not crazy, people? What if this really is going to happen and all these people I have claimed are actually going to see the fruition of all these verses? What if God really does still perform miracles?
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What if?
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Those are gloriously liberating, terrifyingly limitless words. Amen!
“We pray . . . that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by faith.”
-- 2 Thessalonians 1:11
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”
-- Hebrews 10:23
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”
-- Hebrews 11:1
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