You know, I may have doubted that that longed-for question, “If B____ is really what you want, are you willing to wait as long as it takes for him?” was from God, but I always knew that if it was from him, he would not have asked a question like that unless he meant to put it to the test, unless “as long as it takes” would surpass my own feelings and take me into the depth of the realm of doubt. Unless it was going to truly test me. I knew that if he asked me that question, what he was really saying was, “Get ready. It’s going to be a while.”
.
And I said at the time, without a shadow of a doubt, that, yes, absolutely, positively, no going back, yes, I am willing to wait. And through all the trials that have crashed down on me since that night, I hold to that. I don’t want anyone else not because I’m afraid of dating or am just holding on out of habit, but because I know B____’s worth. I know how he fits me. I know there is none like him. I know no other woman could ever love him as I do. Not because another would be less capable of loving him as much if she truly saw and understood him – he is just too lovable and charmingly self-deprecating not to be loved massively. Rather, it would be because no other woman can see him like I can. No one else has the lenses required to understand him. And I must fight for him, even when he grows cold and stiff beneath my fingers, because he must not be left unprotected. He must not be left to eke out a life where he shies away from the risk necessary to grasp all he dreams of and deserves. If I don’t cover him and lift him up, no one would. It’s a shocking thing, really, that such a man is allowed to drift in the company of so many and not be seen for all he is. He said it himself that fateful night when I told him I loved him – “No one has ever looked at me the way you do. To everyone else, I’m just an ordinary guy.” Shocking. They just don’t see. But I do.
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