Revelation - 3-29-10

Eureka! I realized something today on my way home from work that had somehow eluded me all these months. One of the things I have been reminded of through the Breaking Free bible study is the nature of the enemy. I like how Beth Moore recognizes the danger and the inherent nullification of your purpose when you keep the focus on the enemy, while she still understands the importance of understanding just who it is you’re fighting, not just what you’re fighting for. And I had forgotten that Satan is called more than almost anything else, “the accuser.” As Beth said a few weeks ago, “Man excuses, Satan accuses, and God diffuses.”

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Well, one of the major factors in my difficulty enjoying my job was not just the behavior of the kids and the pressure of testing, but also this sense of feeling “not enough.” I couldn’t shake this low confidence in myself. Even though I knew God had redeemed my mistakes and had given me a second chance at this school, and that he had not placed me here to fail, I often had to cast away the fear that my choices in my misery last year would follow me here. That at some point, people would see I wasn’t meeting with my groups enough or I didn’t have a set of assignments ready or I wasn’t teaching well enough. All year I’ve had a progressive sense that the longer I am in this profession, the less I know and the less competent I become. Few things suck away your confidence and your purpose, not to mention your self-worth, than a constant sense of accusation.

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And it hit me, today in the car. Every time Beth would mention Satan’s nature as the accuser, I would think in terms of B____. I would think about all the accusations he had to tread each day. It just never occurred to me that I would be subject to that kind of attack myself.

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When I realized that, something in me snapped. I had not been able to feel much lately, even after those words God had given me this weekend. I accepted it was one of those times that I just had to stand on what I know instead of swaying with the lies. Even with the confirmation of my purpose, it was hard to really feel anything. But at the realization that I cannot have victory in God’s Spirit and not have it in every area of my life, and that my sense of accusation was not coming from God, from others, or even from myself, but from the enemy, I suddenly felt like a warrior again. I was mad, but in a good way. I felt wrath, determination, my fingers itching to swing away.

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Dammit, I’m taking my land back!