You know, God, if you asked me to, I’d give him up. I’d lay him down again and turn around and walk away and never look back. If you said, after all this, “He is not for you. You have done all you needed to do. Move on,” I would.
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I love this man with all that is within me. I love him with my life force. I would lay down my life for him and I would destroy any enemy who threatens him. I would die for him, but more than that, I would live for him. And I would still not hesitate to lay him on the altar once again, this time not to have him handed back like the best Christmas present.
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How, I ask myself? How, when I can picture so clearly the extent of the loss, can I say with perfect peace and calm determination that I would sacrifice him for good?
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It’s quite simple. As much as I love this beautiful, complex, impossible man who speaks my language, I love you more. As much as the thought of him, warts and all, delights me, you thrill me more. Impossible. But true.
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I love him. I want him. I long for him mind, body, and soul. But I can live without him. You, however, I cannot. He is my beloved, but you are essential to me. I can sit here week after week waiting for you to bring B____ back to me, but there is no sitting on my hands when I comes to you. I’ll do whatever it takes to get to you. I’ll march, I’ll run, I’ll crawl to get to you. You are life to me. It isn’t B____who finally convinced me it was worth staying on this planet a little longer; no, that actually was you.
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I love him. I want him.
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But I must have you.
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You I love first and best.
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