Dear John - 12-20-09

My Dear B____,

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As I haven’t heard from you in a month except for the most perfunctory conversations, I guess I won’t be able to tell you this in person. Which is really a shame, because it’s not what you would think. The first and last thing I must say to you is, “Thank you.” Let me explain. I can’t know why really we went wrong. I saw so many ways we could work, but you seemed to think of just as many ways that we couldn’t. And each time we seemed to fall apart, I never knew why. You never told me what I did wrong or why it couldn’t work. Did I scare you by my timeline, my “life plan”? Did you think me too weak to handle your life when I showed you my scars? Did you see how lovely my life and family was and worried you couldn’t compete? Did I make some other unidentified mistake? I never had closure. I’ll admit, I probably needed a big learning curve but you always did underestimate me. I am a quick learner. Then it occurred to me that I was a rebound. You had only been out of your engagement a few months when you stumbled on me. It’s a bit of a shock to think all I had worked for and saved up was to be given to someone who was only ready for a transitional person. So perhaps one might do you a disservice in evaluating your conduct harshly. You did the best you could with what you had. But do you know how much good you did me? Oh, let me count the ways.

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My dearest wish was to have a lasting, real relationship with God, where Jacob could finally stop wrestling and understand how to be. I never thought that would happen. Until you. I was caught up in my questioning and analysis and fearful planning so that I could never let go. Until you. I never understood faith and trusting my next step when I couldn’t see it. Until you. Having known you, I have known how true all the fairy tales are, how hopeful love really is, and how to finally understand the truth – that seeking wisdom is all you ever need to do – as I navigated my confusion and grief.

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You underestimated, I think, the power and stability of my love for you. You possibly thought that having fallen so quickly in love and with the first man I ever even liked naturally countered any confidence you might have in it. You no doubt thought I had either gotten over it when you left or became helpless in it as you kept coming back. None of that was true. From the night you first kissed me, I knew you were what I wanted. And through all the turbulence that unaccountably followed, I loved you purely. I loved you steadily. I loved you patiently. I loved you unselfishly. When the pain of your absence cut me, I prayed for your well-being, your success, your wisdom. To be truthful, B____, you made me a wife. You taught me how to see real flaws and not see those obstacles but instead appreciate the laundry list of good qualities you had. You taught me what it was love a man with God’s love, to want your well-being more than I want you. You taught me what it was to rejoice in someone else’s successes and take on their pain. You taught me how to be a helpmeet even in my utter lack of experience. You taught me patience. There is a reason the first quality of love listed in I Corinthians 13 is “love is patient.” I came to you on your terms, as a friend, this last time. I guess I was still too slow, or it was too late. But you never knew all the good I did you. Your father pulling through during that storm, yours and your family’s faith probably stressed to the breaking point – that was my prayer I offered up with absolute faith and certainty that it would be answered, and it was. Your success in that murder case when you had been working on it for a year and had so little faith it would be rewarded with the justice you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was deserved – on my knees I offered you up and prayed for you to have wisdom from God’s own head, for him who saw all that you did not to give you insight, to show you some small wrinkle you hadn’t noticed that would be the key to winning justice for this family. Because you had taken yourself from me, the only way I could help you was to pray for you. To lift you up. To cover you with my love and protection from afar so not a chink of armor could be seen. To pray for rest and peace and sound sleep. To pray for success in your endeavors, blessing on your lips and actions, wisdom in every decision, boldness in the choices you must make. Such freedom I had in giving you all that was in my power to give. And it astounded me to see the joy and unwavering faith I had gained through the past six months that I never would have learned if not for you.

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I probably won’t ever know why you didn’t think me worth a real try, but you also had trouble seeing yourself clearly. And with all that has happened, I can say without a stutter that you are a wonder. You are so far beyond any other man I have ever met or known. You are in a class with my father who has been there alone all these years. I see such potential in you and such goodness. You do have flaws. My love was never blind. But I learned from my mother, who, when tempted to complain about my father, so often stopped and said, “You know what? I can’t believe how lucky I am. Sure, he has his flaws, but he has so, so many wonderful qualities. How petty it would be to complain.” I was never intimidated by your flaws, nor was I so naïve as to think your scars would simply go away if I loved you enough. You made me wise and you made me tough. Tough enough to handle anything you could throw at me. Tough enough to handle your family and the particular difficulties of your job. Tough enough to shut my mouth against complaint and ask for wisdom instead. Tough enough to solve my own problems so at least one person in your life wasn’t a mess you had to clean up. Tough enough to give all that I had to give without thought of failure or rejection or misstep. You taught me courage.

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You were lucky to have known me, because I will do you good all the days of your life. For the rest of my life, when I think of you, I will lift you up with perfect faith and cover you with protection. When things go right when you didn’t think they would, when disaster is narrowly averted, when a family gathering has an unexpected vein of peace running through it, when your endeavors meet with success, a little part of that will be my prayers. Have no doubt: prayer is powerful. And there is no chink anymore in my faith. God was too close by my side when I was alone. And long after I can think of you with nothing more than affectionate nostalgia, I will still be doing you good. I am a full complement of marvelous qualities because I have earned them. I have from my earliest memory laid up a store of lessons and character and wisdom for the good of my husband and children. For all my flaws, I am smart and funny and wise and compassionate, sexy and patient and playful and kind, warm and still and curious and wild, easy-going and passionate and refined and clear-eyed, pure and strong and soft and beautiful, and so filled with wonder that I wonder if my eyes can let it all out. You will never meet a woman such as me again. Which is why I want to tell you that you were the only man I ever knew who was worth all of that. Never doubt that.

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To have known such a man as you, even with your shortcomings, has been a blessing. All I will ever say of you was that I learned so much from you and you were a gift to me. Your name is safe in my mouth. And my prayer for you now is that you have wisdom from God’s own head as you embark on this new relationship. That when you meet the right woman you have discernment to see it for what it is and not look back with regret that you didn’t give it a real try. That you have boldness in your decisions and that some woman would unlock your heart and show you the freedom of risking it all and feeling secure in it.

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I’m sorry I never got to meet your family. I so looked forward to all I could have learned from your mother and father. I have covered them so many times with my love and respect. Despite their well-meaning neglect of you, they were instrumental in making you the man you are and I have nothing but respect for them. I so wanted to tell them one day how much their son is loved. I have lifted your sisters up and covered them with my prayers.

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I cover you with my love, B____ M____, and send you off with a blessing on my lips. May God make his face shine upon you. May he bless you in the city and in the field. May he watch over your coming and going. May he be your shade at your right hand. May he give you perfect wisdom, which is perfect love. May you know how utterly unique you are, how wondrously powerful your potential is, how very much good you can do in this world. I believe in you, B____, and you will accomplish such great things.

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Be happy. Live your life. Have no regrets. And trust – above all things – trust that you are not alone.

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All my love,

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Nicole

Devastation - 12-12-09

December 12

Your colors were strong and clean like your scent.

So heavy they brushed me, my defenses rent.

You colored me, stained me, tattooed on my skin.

I had new hues now – belonging could begin.

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They’re running now, watering down with each day.

Their vining strength leach my keening voice away.

Tinted dreams cracked to bare the gray beneath

And left me with pots of invisible ink.

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Had ashes been near, they’d be rubbed in my hair

To smear your sweet shades, to smudge them together.

I’ll find new colors, stains to mark me wanted,

In the face of your false blush be flaunted.

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To you must go the credit, my love, it’s true:

You made me strong enough to bear the loss of you.

Why I Love Him - 12-2-09

Why I love B____ M____:

· he is amazing

· he is so, so funny and with a razor-sharp wit

· he cares deeply about living a life he can be proud of, like me

· he manages to be wonderfully, reassuringly confident without being the least bit arrogant; how does he do that?

· he is the most stubborn creature I have ever met but because he is always trying to improve himself, he will consider things in his own way, in his own time, so whatever he does, whatever new experiences he tries or whatever changes of heart he shows, they are all completely authentic

· he is devoted to his family, regardless of the hurts they have dealt him and the subtle neglect he has experienced

· he is a wonderful judge of character

· he can make me feel completely accepted, just the way I am

· he could have, with complete justification, turned his back on God for the suffering he witnessed and experienced, but somehow he has validated a hunger inside himself to be reconciled to God, to come to an understanding of God and his place in the world that he can accept, to wrestle as Jacob did, as I do, to know an often unknowable God and access him

· he is so smart, so intelligent, so wise in his career, his choices and goals, and his relationship

· he refuses to mislead or mitigate the importance of very special emotions. He will not say “I love you” until it means everything.

· he is all or nothing

· he loves the idea of being “my first” and teaching me; my lack of experience is, to him, not a barrier but an open doorway

· he is unfailingly kind and considerate to all people

· he loves his job, which is essentially that of Batman, to earn justice for the defenseless. My hero.

· he is 6’5”, a full 15 inches taller than me. I love that his feet can at once be so huge and so adorable, and that his hands completely encompass mine and that he is so big that he simply covers me. The pleasure of his body dizzies me.

· his laugh is so cute – it’s quick and repetitive, like a very appealing, husky rat-a-tat-tat machine gun

· he has such a nice voice, such a lovely quality, deep but also rich

· he is a very good kisser – makes my knees weak

· OH, MY GOD, HIS SCENT. I REALLY GET TO HAVE THAT THE REST OF MY LIFE?

· he could make more money in private practice, but he endures the lower pay, the ridiculous liabilities of being a public prosecutor, and the frequent frustration of helping those who often don’t appreciate it, all so he can leave at 5 and be home with his wife and children

· he truly has a heart for a family life; he is not a player and, like me, everything he does, every choice he makes, is with the best interests of his future family at heart

· he wants sons to do father-son things with which he was denied growing up, and to carry on the family name

· did I mention his scent?

· he gets along with my parents so well; then again, he gets along with everybody

· he would be an amazing lover

Why B____ M____ is meant for me, created just for me, intended for me since the dawen of time:

See “Why I love B____ M____.”

Word Finds and Hidden Truths - 8-13-09

Word finds – terrible, addictive things. Once they get you in their clutches, there’s nothing for it but to go with it – the hours wasted, the bleary eyes, the ink on your fingers. It’s just too fun.

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And enlightening, too. I discovered this Monday night when I was livid at B____ for so stubbornly keeping his distance. Calling me “kiddo” in his voicemail? What the hell. I’d already been tossed around for a month by the unpredictable and undeniably slow-moving waters of this resurgence of our relationship, and I was just done. I was ready to take him to task for not being clear about his feelings and being aboveboard with me about them. Turned out to be a good thing he kept not answering the phone.

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I was laying across my hotel bed at the Homestead, stewing in my own juices, calling him terrible things in my head, and determinedly doing word find after word find. My focus kept splitting and my word finds were taking longer to do.

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And I noticed a trend emerging. Inevitably, you’ll come across a word you just can’t find and you think, “Well, the creator of this puzzle made a mistake and obviously forgot to put the work in.” You’re frustrated and irritated and all you can think is, “I can’t find this word!” I find when this happens, the only thing that works is to step back a moment – because invariably your focus has narrowed to each letter you’re looking at and you’ll never find the words that way – and start again with a new perspective. If you’ll look again for the word as if you just started looking, with the assumption that you will of course find it still intact, suddenly there it is. It was there the whole time. The creator of the puzzle didn’t make a mistake, didn’t simply forget to include a vital piece. As long as you’re focusing on how you’re not finding it, you’ll keep not finding it. But if you change your perspective and remember what it felt like with you started, when you were still unquestioning and certain you would find what you were looking for easily, you find it like a lightning flash.

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And it occurred to me, sprawled there on the bed, my knuckles white with strain and anger around my pen, that I love B____. B____ R____ M____ is my choice. The only one I want. But I’ve been so cautious about choosing the right one that I didn’t know how far my own choice carried me. How much say did my fallible, short-sighted human desires count in the grand scheme of “God’s plan,” and what would prove itself as the right choice in the long run?

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But I recognized that at every blind turn and hesitant step since summer and the demise of my relationship began, I have actively sought God’s wisdom, God’s plan, and God’s will, at the expense of my own. How many times have I thought of how much I want B____ but prepared myself to accept that he was not the right choice for me? And you cannot seek God so consistently and so humbly and still be acting out of accordance with his will and wisdom. It doesn’t happen. When you align yourself with God so diligently, you don’t have to stop and study every action, every desire, every choice as closely as you would if your will and desires were still wild and rebellious. And I had already over the past several weeks come to the startling realization that while all my l ife I had waited for God to point to the One – already planned out with no input from me – perhaps it isn’t so fatalistic. I had known that God knows what man is destined to be my mate, but I believe now that part of what makes that man the chosen one is because I actually choose him. It does make a difference that I point and say, “Him. That one right there, I want him.” Sort of like those time-travel stories where you can’t figure out which comes first, the chicken or the egg. So maybe it does make a difference that I love him. Maybe the fact that B____ is the one for me isn’t just a matter of God choosing for me, and then I’ll love him, then I’ll feel it. It’s an amalgamation of the two. But I was still a little unsure of how much I could do to make him indeed the one.

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And then two nights ago, I realized there’s no need to keep hesitating, waiting for God’s wisdom. I already have it. This whole summer of fire has aligned me with it. God isn’t going to just leet me drift into a relationship where for the rest of my life I’m doing all the loving, where I’m left neglected and unsatisfied by a man who just doesn’t really, passionately love me. It’s not possible that I would hold onto B____ out of sheer rebellious stubbornness, more concerned with what I want than what will make me happy in the long run. That’s just not who I am, first of all, to keep my head down and not think and hold onto something out of fear or habit. And second, that’s certainly not going to happen when I’m consistently praying for wisdom to let go of what I want “if it’s right.”

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Seeking God so much means that I come under his protection. I don’t have to constantly look in all directions to ensure I don’t wander or slip down the wrong path because someone’s doing that already. I’m letting someone do that for me. So (1) I have a pretty good chance after so many months being refined in the fire of wanting the right thing, and (2) I can focus on my desires and follow them single-mindedly because someone else is taking care of curveballs and upsets coming from other directions.

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And all this time still doing my word finds which allow my mind to wander down this path, I’m thinking and thinking. And I land on the final piece of the puzzle which answers my long-held question: What do I do?

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Be stubborn.

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B____ is, hands-down, the most stubborn person I have ever met. And I’m more stubborn still. I want him. I know that my love for him is the kind that will outlast both of us. It’s been refined in the fire. And I have the conviction that I can, indeed, hold onto him even if he’s not holding back yet, because my wanting him makes him the one for me. And all the awkwardness and terrible uncertainty fall away. I can talk to him and not obsess about the lack of clearly romantic signals. They’ll come.

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I am going to be stubborn about this because every time I hold it up to God, ready to hand it to him and face life without it, I look down to find it’s been left in my hand. Too, God and I both know at any moment, if it’s done and needs to end, I’ll let it happen. So knowing God’s taking care of me and knowing I’m in the right place for the “right thing” to happen, I can be stubborn and know that he will come to me sooner or later. No more fear, no more doubt, no more wondering if I should hold onto it. I’m holding on till it’s ripped from my fingers. Brock on!!

My Worth - 8-5-09

My worth is great, as is what I have to offer. I am precious and worthy. I deserve to be loved truly and without reservation. I deserve to be pursued, to be made a fuss over. I am worth great effort, hard compromises, and no secret wonderings of whether I am wanted or not. I deserve truth in the inner parts and no guards. I deserve to be wildly loved and greatly cherished. And I deserve these things because I am willing to give all of this in return.

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Whatever happens with B____, whatever comes of this critical mass to set our courses once and for all, I will have what I want, one way or another. I am cared for and planned for. I am a well-watered garden.

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Wisdom is mine. Knowledge and understanding, too. A discerning heart as well to make use of it all. These are mine because I ask for them.

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And at the end of the path these bricks form – love. Love with abandon, the love that requires all your weakness and flaws to make you strong and true. The love worth all the risks because it will repay a hundredfold. This love is mine. It is mine now. And it will be mine for always.

My Creed - 8-4-09

My life has a purpose. What I do is not my job. It is who I am. What I do is do what I love. Create, learn, say “yes,” and move forward. I will continue to do these things and remain steadfast in my commitment to be amazed.

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You give me wisdom, God, and I will not stagnate. This is my covenant with you.

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I am here for a reason. My life has purposes and “becauses” I can’t even imagine yet. They have crystallized from my pain and been stitched into my DNA. My life matters. And nothing will change that. This is my creed.

Unexpected Development - 7-20-09

If there is one thing I have learned from this past month and a half, it is to trust God. It is to trust his will for my life and to believe absolutely that all things are being worked for my good. After all the heartache, questions, crying out, and going under, from the death of my love to the unexpected opportunity of letting it flourish again, the one constant has been God’s strength. My one consistent focus has been on wisdom, whatever form it should take and whatever it should do with me. Wherever it may lead me, wisdom will carry me through to a safe harbor where I am wanted and loved unequivocally, where I am free finally to let out all my heart’s stores and have them take root.

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Whatever happens with this latest development, when B____ unexpectedly texted last Saturday night, I will be cared for. My feet will find the right path and God will take care of me. Whoever the One is, God will lead me to him and into his ready heart. I will have what I dream and God’s own wisdom will guide me to it.

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What unexpected peace I feel at a point where I have no idea which path will rise up to meet me. God does answer my prayers.