No Old Dream - 12-27-09

No Old Dream

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What is the price of suffering?

Better question to be – what is the gain?

With burn’d eyes I twitch to see

The end I might attain.

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The one who had no purpose

No chain to hold her down to earth

Now can just see the breaking light

Of a dawn brought painfully to birth.

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So many dreams died through the years

Old hat at gath’ring ashes strewn,

Can hardly feel the stretch

Of healthy limbs pulled askew.

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With mind swept clean by stinging brushes

With understanding riveted together

In the toyshop of my life

I can grip a new chain all-weathered.

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This drifted one has a legacy

A wand’ring end that may yet reach me.

All earth tilts its head to wonder

That my life doesn’t end with me.

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I will not dream of death,

Of tender ends and tender mercies,

I will not run like colors in rain

Squalls sinking me in raging seas.

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My legacy, hard-won, badged with courage,

Will yet do good to those of mine,

Will yet show order in the chaos,

Rhythm weaving through dissonant rhyme.

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I count this all worth the pain,

Without complaint I stump through,

For my man, my children,

My greater purpose will shine true.

Healing - 12-26-09

Healing

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Let us not speak of specifics,

Let us talk of generalities –

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Of greater truths

And lessons learned,

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Of arching thoughts

And the tracks of wounds,

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So we can see the beauty of the healing

And feel none of the pain.

O God! My God! - 12-26-09

O God! My God!

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O God! My God!

Come out from your shaded throne room,

Come out with muscled arm raised, with fisted strength ready!

Come to work on my behalf, on the behalf of your pioneer into the unknown.

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O God! My God!

Will you choose your weapons of strength or weapons of speed –

Weapons of truth or justice or even mercy, pray?

Which of your arsenal toys will you pick up to avenge me?

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O God! My God!

This your world is old and tired and I your young-eyed one.

I look to you, my General, to lead the charge.

I wait and watch and listen for your bugle call to action, to choice.

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O God! My God!

How will you move; which tack will you take

To speed the slowing of this miry, ramshackle path we find ourselves on?

Will you go this way or that? By day or shadesome night?

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O God! My God!

I see your sinewy thigh, the banded knee which takes my place

At the head of your legions of thought and truth, of hope and righteousness.

I fall to the flank, unseen but still seeing, ever watching.

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O God! My God!

Give me the reward I have earned, reward each according to what he has done!

I have been faithful and loved where I am left –

Which weapon will see my upturned heart righted?

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O God! My God!

My vindication is in your sight, your eye is on my end!

And this one I loved I love still with your love.

This one will know what was given up when I was abandoned.

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O God! My God!

I look to your thick-veined hand to do your justice by me

With the gentleness of truth, to take your wild wisdom and with every step

Show this one I love the truth of the choice made.

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O God! My God!

We go together, O God, my God, into this unknown that is known to you.

I follow at your footstep, roll up our tents and weapons and march on

To slice into this wilderness of your will.

Dear John - 12-20-09

My Dear B____,

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As I haven’t heard from you in a month except for the most perfunctory conversations, I guess I won’t be able to tell you this in person. Which is really a shame, because it’s not what you would think. The first and last thing I must say to you is, “Thank you.” Let me explain. I can’t know why really we went wrong. I saw so many ways we could work, but you seemed to think of just as many ways that we couldn’t. And each time we seemed to fall apart, I never knew why. You never told me what I did wrong or why it couldn’t work. Did I scare you by my timeline, my “life plan”? Did you think me too weak to handle your life when I showed you my scars? Did you see how lovely my life and family was and worried you couldn’t compete? Did I make some other unidentified mistake? I never had closure. I’ll admit, I probably needed a big learning curve but you always did underestimate me. I am a quick learner. Then it occurred to me that I was a rebound. You had only been out of your engagement a few months when you stumbled on me. It’s a bit of a shock to think all I had worked for and saved up was to be given to someone who was only ready for a transitional person. So perhaps one might do you a disservice in evaluating your conduct harshly. You did the best you could with what you had. But do you know how much good you did me? Oh, let me count the ways.

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My dearest wish was to have a lasting, real relationship with God, where Jacob could finally stop wrestling and understand how to be. I never thought that would happen. Until you. I was caught up in my questioning and analysis and fearful planning so that I could never let go. Until you. I never understood faith and trusting my next step when I couldn’t see it. Until you. Having known you, I have known how true all the fairy tales are, how hopeful love really is, and how to finally understand the truth – that seeking wisdom is all you ever need to do – as I navigated my confusion and grief.

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You underestimated, I think, the power and stability of my love for you. You possibly thought that having fallen so quickly in love and with the first man I ever even liked naturally countered any confidence you might have in it. You no doubt thought I had either gotten over it when you left or became helpless in it as you kept coming back. None of that was true. From the night you first kissed me, I knew you were what I wanted. And through all the turbulence that unaccountably followed, I loved you purely. I loved you steadily. I loved you patiently. I loved you unselfishly. When the pain of your absence cut me, I prayed for your well-being, your success, your wisdom. To be truthful, B____, you made me a wife. You taught me how to see real flaws and not see those obstacles but instead appreciate the laundry list of good qualities you had. You taught me what it was love a man with God’s love, to want your well-being more than I want you. You taught me what it was to rejoice in someone else’s successes and take on their pain. You taught me how to be a helpmeet even in my utter lack of experience. You taught me patience. There is a reason the first quality of love listed in I Corinthians 13 is “love is patient.” I came to you on your terms, as a friend, this last time. I guess I was still too slow, or it was too late. But you never knew all the good I did you. Your father pulling through during that storm, yours and your family’s faith probably stressed to the breaking point – that was my prayer I offered up with absolute faith and certainty that it would be answered, and it was. Your success in that murder case when you had been working on it for a year and had so little faith it would be rewarded with the justice you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was deserved – on my knees I offered you up and prayed for you to have wisdom from God’s own head, for him who saw all that you did not to give you insight, to show you some small wrinkle you hadn’t noticed that would be the key to winning justice for this family. Because you had taken yourself from me, the only way I could help you was to pray for you. To lift you up. To cover you with my love and protection from afar so not a chink of armor could be seen. To pray for rest and peace and sound sleep. To pray for success in your endeavors, blessing on your lips and actions, wisdom in every decision, boldness in the choices you must make. Such freedom I had in giving you all that was in my power to give. And it astounded me to see the joy and unwavering faith I had gained through the past six months that I never would have learned if not for you.

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I probably won’t ever know why you didn’t think me worth a real try, but you also had trouble seeing yourself clearly. And with all that has happened, I can say without a stutter that you are a wonder. You are so far beyond any other man I have ever met or known. You are in a class with my father who has been there alone all these years. I see such potential in you and such goodness. You do have flaws. My love was never blind. But I learned from my mother, who, when tempted to complain about my father, so often stopped and said, “You know what? I can’t believe how lucky I am. Sure, he has his flaws, but he has so, so many wonderful qualities. How petty it would be to complain.” I was never intimidated by your flaws, nor was I so naïve as to think your scars would simply go away if I loved you enough. You made me wise and you made me tough. Tough enough to handle anything you could throw at me. Tough enough to handle your family and the particular difficulties of your job. Tough enough to shut my mouth against complaint and ask for wisdom instead. Tough enough to solve my own problems so at least one person in your life wasn’t a mess you had to clean up. Tough enough to give all that I had to give without thought of failure or rejection or misstep. You taught me courage.

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You were lucky to have known me, because I will do you good all the days of your life. For the rest of my life, when I think of you, I will lift you up with perfect faith and cover you with protection. When things go right when you didn’t think they would, when disaster is narrowly averted, when a family gathering has an unexpected vein of peace running through it, when your endeavors meet with success, a little part of that will be my prayers. Have no doubt: prayer is powerful. And there is no chink anymore in my faith. God was too close by my side when I was alone. And long after I can think of you with nothing more than affectionate nostalgia, I will still be doing you good. I am a full complement of marvelous qualities because I have earned them. I have from my earliest memory laid up a store of lessons and character and wisdom for the good of my husband and children. For all my flaws, I am smart and funny and wise and compassionate, sexy and patient and playful and kind, warm and still and curious and wild, easy-going and passionate and refined and clear-eyed, pure and strong and soft and beautiful, and so filled with wonder that I wonder if my eyes can let it all out. You will never meet a woman such as me again. Which is why I want to tell you that you were the only man I ever knew who was worth all of that. Never doubt that.

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To have known such a man as you, even with your shortcomings, has been a blessing. All I will ever say of you was that I learned so much from you and you were a gift to me. Your name is safe in my mouth. And my prayer for you now is that you have wisdom from God’s own head as you embark on this new relationship. That when you meet the right woman you have discernment to see it for what it is and not look back with regret that you didn’t give it a real try. That you have boldness in your decisions and that some woman would unlock your heart and show you the freedom of risking it all and feeling secure in it.

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I’m sorry I never got to meet your family. I so looked forward to all I could have learned from your mother and father. I have covered them so many times with my love and respect. Despite their well-meaning neglect of you, they were instrumental in making you the man you are and I have nothing but respect for them. I so wanted to tell them one day how much their son is loved. I have lifted your sisters up and covered them with my prayers.

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I cover you with my love, B____ M____, and send you off with a blessing on my lips. May God make his face shine upon you. May he bless you in the city and in the field. May he watch over your coming and going. May he be your shade at your right hand. May he give you perfect wisdom, which is perfect love. May you know how utterly unique you are, how wondrously powerful your potential is, how very much good you can do in this world. I believe in you, B____, and you will accomplish such great things.

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Be happy. Live your life. Have no regrets. And trust – above all things – trust that you are not alone.

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All my love,

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Nicole

Devastation - 12-12-09

December 12

Your colors were strong and clean like your scent.

So heavy they brushed me, my defenses rent.

You colored me, stained me, tattooed on my skin.

I had new hues now – belonging could begin.

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They’re running now, watering down with each day.

Their vining strength leach my keening voice away.

Tinted dreams cracked to bare the gray beneath

And left me with pots of invisible ink.

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Had ashes been near, they’d be rubbed in my hair

To smear your sweet shades, to smudge them together.

I’ll find new colors, stains to mark me wanted,

In the face of your false blush be flaunted.

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To you must go the credit, my love, it’s true:

You made me strong enough to bear the loss of you.

Why I Love Him - 12-2-09

Why I love B____ M____:

· he is amazing

· he is so, so funny and with a razor-sharp wit

· he cares deeply about living a life he can be proud of, like me

· he manages to be wonderfully, reassuringly confident without being the least bit arrogant; how does he do that?

· he is the most stubborn creature I have ever met but because he is always trying to improve himself, he will consider things in his own way, in his own time, so whatever he does, whatever new experiences he tries or whatever changes of heart he shows, they are all completely authentic

· he is devoted to his family, regardless of the hurts they have dealt him and the subtle neglect he has experienced

· he is a wonderful judge of character

· he can make me feel completely accepted, just the way I am

· he could have, with complete justification, turned his back on God for the suffering he witnessed and experienced, but somehow he has validated a hunger inside himself to be reconciled to God, to come to an understanding of God and his place in the world that he can accept, to wrestle as Jacob did, as I do, to know an often unknowable God and access him

· he is so smart, so intelligent, so wise in his career, his choices and goals, and his relationship

· he refuses to mislead or mitigate the importance of very special emotions. He will not say “I love you” until it means everything.

· he is all or nothing

· he loves the idea of being “my first” and teaching me; my lack of experience is, to him, not a barrier but an open doorway

· he is unfailingly kind and considerate to all people

· he loves his job, which is essentially that of Batman, to earn justice for the defenseless. My hero.

· he is 6’5”, a full 15 inches taller than me. I love that his feet can at once be so huge and so adorable, and that his hands completely encompass mine and that he is so big that he simply covers me. The pleasure of his body dizzies me.

· his laugh is so cute – it’s quick and repetitive, like a very appealing, husky rat-a-tat-tat machine gun

· he has such a nice voice, such a lovely quality, deep but also rich

· he is a very good kisser – makes my knees weak

· OH, MY GOD, HIS SCENT. I REALLY GET TO HAVE THAT THE REST OF MY LIFE?

· he could make more money in private practice, but he endures the lower pay, the ridiculous liabilities of being a public prosecutor, and the frequent frustration of helping those who often don’t appreciate it, all so he can leave at 5 and be home with his wife and children

· he truly has a heart for a family life; he is not a player and, like me, everything he does, every choice he makes, is with the best interests of his future family at heart

· he wants sons to do father-son things with which he was denied growing up, and to carry on the family name

· did I mention his scent?

· he gets along with my parents so well; then again, he gets along with everybody

· he would be an amazing lover

Why B____ M____ is meant for me, created just for me, intended for me since the dawen of time:

See “Why I love B____ M____.”